This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
