Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
