it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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