He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
