i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
