True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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