everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
