I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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