tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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