She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love having hate sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
