So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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