She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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