): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
