i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
