I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So here I am, sexting at work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
