I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
