I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
