cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
