You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
