Need sex. Gaining weight.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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