haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you inspire me to be a worse person
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
