what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
