Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
