just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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