your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
