She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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