How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
