How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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