Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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