I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
