his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
