i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
