someone threw a dead crab at me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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