11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
