I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
