And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
