I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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