I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im six kinds of drunk right now
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
