sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
