I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
