Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
