I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
