BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
