It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
