I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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