did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize