you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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