You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
