My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
