mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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