I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
