didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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