I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
