i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
