Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
