I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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